Adoption and the Couple Relationship: An interview with Mary Kingston, LMFT
Mary Kingston, LMFT, is a marital and family therapist in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area. She has worked extensively with adoptive persons, parents and their families. In this interview we examine what Mary Kingston believes are the three most common issues that adoptive parents seek help for when consulting a marital and family therapist, and what adoptive couples can do to maintain and protect their couple relationship. Below is a brief excerpt from this interview.

What would you say are the three things you see adoptive parents seeking from you as a marital and family therapist?
Many parents, not just adoptive parents, seek out guidance in situations where their child seems to go to one parent over the other to get his/her way or to have that parent be on his/her side. This is called triangulation. When one parent sides with the child instead of their partner, this can put distance between and cause conflicts between partners. It may also lead to feelings of alienation and feelings of being judged by the other parent. For the complete interview visit our website.

SIGN UP NOW! Mary will be presenting on February 27th, 6:30-8p.m. To register, please call Anne Matzke at 651-255- 2432 or REGISTER ONLINE. $15/person CHSFS, 1605 Eustis Street, St. Paul, MN 55108

In 1994, the Child Welfare Information Gateway published an article emphasizing the importance of adoptive parent groups. The information is as true now as it was a decade ago. The article discusses what adoptive parent groups can do for you, how waiting and adoptive parent groups can be a resource for parents of a child with special needs, how to find a group, and much more. Below is an excerpt from that article.

The Value of Adoptive Parent Groups
Parenting has often been called the most complex profession. It becomes even more so when the family includes a child who has been adopted. This is true whether the child is an infant, has special needs, or is of a different race or ethnic background. Adoptive parent groups help parents share, understand, and manage these complexities. Whether it's general support, such as enduring the adoption waiting period, or specific advice, such as traveling to an unfamiliar country to receive a child, adoptive parent groups have unparalleled value. Follow this link for the complete article.

How to help your children who are "already here"
Long before their sibling arrives, the children who are "already here" begin to imagine and wonder, just as you have, about what it will be like.
Here are a few things parents can do to help ease the transition.

• Learn where your ‘already here’ child is at developmentally. This will impact his/her understanding of adoption and his/her view of you as parents.
• Take a look at your child’s personality and temperament. Consider how their current “status” might be affected by the addition of their new sibling. Try not to over-accentuate the needs of the new sibling in a manner that might overshadow your ‘already here’ child.
• Help your ‘already here’ child prepare for their new sibling by talking and role-playing scenarios that might occur.
• Maintain your alone time with your ‘already here’ child to protect their special sense of self.
• Enlist the help of others close to your ‘already here’ child to provide additional support, guidance and positive attention.
• Contact an adoption professional if you have concerns about your family’s transition as an adoptive family.

This article was written by Alene Roeglin, MSW, LGSW, Education and Support Coordinator for Post- Adoption Services

If you have a question related to you or your child's adoption, please e-mail aroeglin@chsfs.org . Please note that we cannot respond to all e-mails, but stay tuned to upcoming issues of this newsletter to see if your question is answered. Thank you!

Dear PAS: My husband and I have very different parenting styles. Not only has this begun to affect our interactions with our daughter, it has also begun to impact our marital relationship. It seems my husband is more of a “softy” when it comes to our daughter, leaving me to be the disciplinarian and the bad guy. What can we do? -Adoptive Mom

Dear Adoptive Parent: Your question is one that is often asked by parents at different times in their family’s development. Parents benefit from adjusting their parenting techniques to better fit the needs of the child and the child’s developmental stage. Adoption parenting adds additional layers of complexity at times, so it is important to take time with your co-parent to talk about what is working and what may need to be adjusted.

Try to remain open about each other's ideas and thoughts while providing consistent and nurturing parenting to your child. The following links can assist in your understanding of your child and help to establish cohesive parenting techniques.

1)Basic knowledge of child development
2)Usage of positive adoption language
3)Knowledge of the core issues in adoption
4)Presentation of a “united front” with discussions and negotiations taking place beyond the ears of children.
5)An adoption support group or support network
6)Continued Post-Adoption education
7)Access to a knowledgeable adoption- experienced counselor

Books for Children

• Seeds of Love -Peteryl
• On Mother’s Lap-Scott
• Is That Your Sister -Bunin
• Things Little Kids Need to Know - Lamperti
• It's Okay To Be Different - Uhlig
• Emma’s Yucky Brother - Little
• Bringing Asha Home - Krishnaswami
• I Love You the Purplest - Joose
• What Is Adoption -Stergianis